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How to tell people 
18th-Jul-2012 12:54 pm
TARDIS

I am almost 11 weeks along with number two and we haven't told my husbands parents yet. This is a problem because my family knows and I'm starting to show (also my family lives like ten minutes away from his family so it's totally possible for them to see/know the same people). My family is aware that his parents don't know, so they won't go yelling it from the rooftops, but I worry about something slipping on Facebook. I don't want them to find out from other people.

Here is the issue. They were far less than supportive of our first pregnancy. To the point where his mom's actual reaction was to ask me "how could you do this to him?" mind you we were married and graduated from college and employed so I don't get what the issue was.
They have made it abundantly clear that they do not want us to have another one. His mon tells me pretty much every time we are over that I need to wait several years (we are over at least twice a week). I tried to casually break the news a month ago and his dad kind of caught on and said "are you announcing something?" his mom's response was to yell "try better not be!"
So- suggestions or anecdotes for this situation? In fully aware that it's none of their business when we procreate. I don't need anyone to tell me to ignore them. I know that. But we still have to tell them because I'm starting to show and everyone else knows...

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Comments 
18th-Jul-2012 06:09 pm (UTC)
FB could be your savior. How big is your friends' list? Mine is mostly family and relatively close friends. I would just say "We are expecting again!!!!!" and give them time to adjust before you have to speak to them.

My mother was rude about us expecting our second child for no apparent reason. She said, "you should have waited longer" and "What does think of this?" When I told her he was happy, she then proceeded to ask him. She got over it. We are not almost due with our third and she was on us about when we would have this one because she "wants to see the baby before she dies." She is older, but has no critical health issues.
18th-Jul-2012 06:15 pm (UTC)
"I don't need anyone to tell me to ignore them. I know that. But we still have to tell them because I'm starting to show and everyone else knows..."


The thing is, you CAN ignore them and you DON'T have to tell them. I'd stop seeing them completely if they were that intrusive and flat out rude. Your MIL sounds horrible and I wouldn't put up with that or make my children put up with that. She thinks your children are mistakes! Why do you and your husband tolerate that?
18th-Jul-2012 06:38 pm (UTC)
That's not really an option since they watch my son twice a week while I'm at work, and since I work second shift putting him in daycare isn't really an option.
18th-Jul-2012 06:40 pm (UTC)
Will you be expecting her to watch baby#2 also? That puts a slightly different spin on her annoyance. Still rude, but your decision is putting her to more work.
18th-Jul-2012 06:53 pm (UTC)
No. We don't plan on asking them. Actually, we plan on them not having to watch either kid because my husbands work hours will be changing so we won't need a sitter.
18th-Jul-2012 07:25 pm (UTC)
It is an option, you're just choosing (free?) childcare over respect and common courtesy. They think they have a say in your reproductive choices (and probably all kinds of parenting choices) because you've rewarded then for their awful treatment of you.
18th-Jul-2012 08:04 pm (UTC)
We aren't talking tons of time. It's four hours a week- from 4-6 on Mondays and Wednesdays.
19th-Jul-2012 03:09 am (UTC)
My MIL watched my two eldest for all of one hour every day between DH and my work schedules. To us, it wasn't a long time; a whole 4 hours per week (I didn't work on Fridays). No diaper changes, no meals to prepare, just be grandma and make sure the kids don't kill each other. To her, it was like we gave her carte blanche to start inquiring about our reproductive schedule - including constant personal questions about our sex lives, my lady bits (she still does this!) and my DH's sperm. She would also make comments like "Don't make ANY MORE BABIES!" and "I can't be responsible for all these kids!"
When DH and I were both on 1st shift, MIL wasn't asked to watch the kids and she got in a tissy about *that*. Sometimes you just can't win.
18th-Jul-2012 06:17 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry that your mother in law is such a piece of work! Wow.

Why not get your LO a shirt that says "I'm going to be a big sister (or brother)" and put that on them when you go to visit. Grandma can't get mad in front of her grand baby can she?? </p>

Another option is to have your husband do the announcing? assuming he sees how rude his mother is??

I hope it goes well for you!

18th-Jul-2012 06:27 pm (UTC)
My husband and I sent our three year old out in a shirt that said "Big Brother in Charge" at Easter to let my family know. It was a shit show. Dead silence, followed by an accusing "are you serious" followed by my mother storming to her room and slamming her door. I felt really bad for my son who got so upset because he didn't understand why suddenly when he came out of his room all excited and everyone freaked out. I sat there crying for an hour. Not a good idea unless you know your family will be excited. :/
18th-Jul-2012 06:39 pm (UTC)
That sounds like how it would go for us too...
18th-Jul-2012 06:45 pm (UTC)
I would never do it again, or recommend it to anyone based on my experience. You have to know they'd already be excited or it's just going to upset everyone, in front of everyone and leave you getting the evil eye all night. :(
18th-Jul-2012 06:39 pm (UTC)
Whaaat?? That's awful. Poor little guy. And poor you. What a heartbreaking scene that must have been.
18th-Jul-2012 06:44 pm (UTC)
It was absolutely the worst! My son started crying because my whole family (except my sister who knew already and was excited) sat there, jaws wide open or pretending they weren't there. Dead silence except me and my son crying. I started crying when he started crying. The air was so thick you could hardly breath. I'm pretty sure everyone wanted to die. I think, had my mom been even the slightest bit supportive, everyone would have had a much more receptive and excited tone, but it didn't work out so well. (To be fair to my mom, my sister had just had a miscarriage - why my sister knew first and my mom was processing everything all at once).

We've got her really involved with this pregnancy since, and she's so excited now, but we had a rocky week or so after.
18th-Jul-2012 06:45 pm (UTC)
That is so awful. I guess I am just blessed with super supportive family, but I cannot believe grown adults act like that!! Especially in front of/towards an innocent little kid. :( Glad they came around eventually, but jeez.
18th-Jul-2012 06:56 pm (UTC)
I know. It wasn't a good time. My mom clearly wasn't being rational, and I know she had her reasons to not be thrilled but I thought too, that she would at least be excited for my son. My sister and her husband were so excited and happy (my sister has planned a gender reveal party for us tonight (at my moms :p) where my husband and I find out the genders of the twins) and my mom is telling everyone all about having twin babies in the family soon. Things are awesome now but holy heck, not a good start to the adventure.

At the same time, everyone knew at once and I didn't have to hide. Everyone knew, could talk about it behind my back and recover quickly enough that it didn't become an issue. My family is normally really supportive, it was just such a shock I guess.
19th-Jul-2012 03:02 am (UTC)
:( That is so awful!
18th-Jul-2012 06:19 pm (UTC)
I wouldn't be putting a whole lot of thought into telling people who are just plain rude and unsupportive. I second the FB suggestion.
18th-Jul-2012 06:20 pm (UTC)
My mother was totally and completely unimpressed with the news when my husband and I told her two months ago. She actually got up, left the room, slammed her bedroom door and sulked. It really sucked for a few days but then she got over it, and got really happy about the prospect of having another grandchild (which turned out to be twins, which made her even more excited).

We knew she would probably not be thrilled but we didn't expect her to be downright horrible about it. That's just how it goes sometimes. Once your in-laws get over the initial shock they'll probably be more open (though maybe not happy) about it. There's nothing they can do and there's no sense in beating around the bush. My advice would be to bite the bullet and straight up tell them so it's out of the way and you can enjoy your pregnancy, giving them as much time as they need to absorb the information.

Fwiw, my father in laws eyes bugged right out of his head. My husband hid it from them for 11 weeks too until he just had to let them know. We got the eye-rolls and the sighs when my husband said we were pregnant again and then when we said it was twins, we got the huge buggy eyes! :p
18th-Jul-2012 06:33 pm (UTC)
it sounds like no matter how you say it they aren't going to be positive about it. I would just tell them bluntly and let them know youre aware of their opinions and would like for them to keep them to themselves.

I dont think there is any way to make this easy on you or your husband. If its easier have your husband tell them and then you dont have to do it.
18th-Jul-2012 06:33 pm (UTC)
his mom's actual reaction was to ask me "how could you do this to him?"

Wow. I think your MIL forgot that it takes two to tango. Are they both apathetic to being grandparents, or is this mostly coming from your MIL?

I recommend putting your oldest in a "Big Brother/Sister" shirt the next time you all go for a visit. See if they notice. We did this and it was great fun waiting for my FIL and BIL to catch on. :-D

Edited at 2012-07-18 06:34 pm (UTC)
18th-Jul-2012 06:42 pm (UTC)
It's strange. They LOVE LOVE LOVE our son. If they go more than two or three days without seeing him they go through withdrawals. Clearly they got over it last time and they will this time. It's just a matter of how to do it with the least pain...
18th-Jul-2012 06:40 pm (UTC)
If they aren't supportive and have said those things in the past, they shouldn't be a priority to find out from you. 'better not be' in response to announcing something? Fine, you just won't announce it. Can you get your husband to talk to them alone so you don't have to be around such negativity? If not I would honestly just let the grapevine work.. If they question you about not telling them, explain why in as polite a manner as possible. If they get upset or are rude, well, that's only the same reaction as what you'd get by telling them straight up anyway plus it shows you weren't interested in their input enough to confront them yourself. This sounds like something your hubby can support you with since it's his family, good luck!
18th-Jul-2012 06:41 pm (UTC)
I think you should send them a someecard that says "We're having another baby! And if you have a problem with that you can fuck right off!" Ok, not really. But why do you visit them twice a week if they're so crazy/unsupportive?!? I guess I'd just tell them straight out and then do your best to ignore any negativity about it. :(
18th-Jul-2012 07:14 pm (UTC)
I am all for this option. Can just wear a shirt that says "I'm pregnant. Get over it" ??????
18th-Jul-2012 07:31 pm (UTC)
LOL, definitely! :)
18th-Jul-2012 07:54 pm (UTC)
that woud be an AWESOME shirt
19th-Jul-2012 01:45 pm (UTC)
or "Suck my dick, I'm pregnant" with that picture of the shark.

SUCKKK MYYYYY DIICCCCKKKKK, I'M A SHARK
18th-Jul-2012 07:16 pm (UTC)
This.

Fuck 'em. All three of my kids were surprises, close together, and pretty much came about at the worst possible times ever and the only reaction shown outside of happiness was concern.</p>

Seriously, I wouldnt tell them and when they asked why I'd say that I didn't feel the need to surround my joyous occasion with negativity.

18th-Jul-2012 06:44 pm (UTC)
Well what can you do to remedy the situation if you tell them and they are buttholes about the issue? I'd just go over and flat out tell them knowing full well they might react not so wonderfully. I disagree with an above commenter about posting it on Facebook - that's kinda rude IMO to immediate family - but if you find it's really difficult to actually face them to tell them, I suppose it could work. On second thought - if they are going to be buttholes to you, you may as well not give them the time of day to be buttholes to your face regarding the initial reaction. Do what you gotta do.

To be honest though, I will tell you to ignore them. You either ignore them and be happy with your life, or you ignore them and be pissed off with them and their attitude, or you state your feelings and deal with whatever fallout occurs. It's your life, be happy with it. And just as you are allowed to be happy and pleased and all the rest that you are pregnant, they are equally allowed to disapprove. Be happy, put on a smiley face, and to heck with them if they are not supportive or judgmental about it. It's your life - tough nuts to them! :)

Good luck! I hope the reveal goes well.

Edited at 2012-07-18 06:48 pm (UTC)
18th-Jul-2012 07:29 pm (UTC)
can you have your husband tell them over the phone or something so you don't have to see her reaction?

it sounds like it doesn't really matter how you tell them. maybe just start the news with "we're SUPER excited about this fantastic news!" and then run away.
18th-Jul-2012 08:18 pm (UTC)
I totally second this. Sucks to have him bear the brunt of it, but that way he can (hopefully) defend and support you if they get into "she did this to you!" mode.
18th-Jul-2012 07:38 pm (UTC)
Well, if they're going to be douchebags about it anyway, there's no saving their feelings. One time while you guys are together I'd just have my husband flat out tell them. Be there for support of HIM but their his problem, not yours. If they get negative, say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave. There's no arguing with idiots who insist on sticking their noses in things that SO obviously aren't any of theirs.
18th-Jul-2012 07:39 pm (UTC)
"they're", not "their". Wow, go me. :P
18th-Jul-2012 09:01 pm (UTC)
I agree with the people saying you basically just need to tell them, because it sounds like the problem lies with them, not you, and you could drive yourself crazy trying to find a way to short-circuit a negative reaction when they're going to initially be a bit awful about it no matter what. Who knows, they could surprise you. The fact that they have come around and now love your other little one so much says a lot. Is it possible to focus on how excited your child is to be a big sibling? Not to deflect anything or put your child at the center of a family debate, but maybe, since they love their existing grandchild, that could help them see the situation in a different way and sort of reevaluate their initial reactions. I'm sorry you have to worry about this. No matter how you tell them, I hope you can remind yourself that this is a reflection of their hang-ups, not anything real about you and your own family, and try not to let it affect your moods too much. You know their disapproval will not last, so hopefully you and your husband can support each other, focus on the many positives about this new baby and just sort of weather the storm.
18th-Jul-2012 11:08 pm (UTC)
I just plain wouldn't tell them. You tried a month ago and were met with "you'd better not be announcing anything." If she gets pissed when she finds out, simply say, "I tried to tell you - you said I shouldn't" and leave it at that. I have no room in my life for crap like that. My MIL pulled something similar when I went out for my SIL's son's baptism (her daughter - DH's sister). I don't know if she was just being snitty or was drunk (either is an option), but I'm there with my 7 month old (whom she and FIL hadn't met - and I have 2 older ones at home) and her daughter just had her first... and her youngest son and his wife have been trying to get pregnant for awhile without success. MIL says, "Y'all can be done now or I'm not going to be able to keep their names straight."

So when we found out we were expecting again in March - they were literally the last to know. My middle child spilled the beans on Mother's Day, and they were happy about it... but I was already in second trimester by then.
18th-Jul-2012 11:30 pm (UTC)
I just plain wouldn't tell them. You tried a month ago and were met with "you'd better not be announcing anything." If she gets pissed when she finds out, simply say, "I tried to tell you - you said I shouldn't" and leave it at that. I have no room in my life for crap like that

Exactly what I was going to say.
19th-Jul-2012 12:25 am (UTC)
I just scrolled through all comments, and this is the one I came here to post! Either they'll hear second hand or they'll put it together once you show more. Either way, they HAD their chance to be told in Aa nice way. They chose to be asses and refuse to let you say it. So screw it!
19th-Jul-2012 02:39 am (UTC)
This would be my gut reaction in the same situation.
19th-Jul-2012 12:19 am (UTC)
I am in the "just tell them and move on" camp. Waiting will probably no elicit a better reaction. I told my mom a month ago, and her only response was "oh." 20 minutes later she asked when I was due, and not another word has been spoken. It sucks.
19th-Jul-2012 12:30 am (UTC)
Sarah, that's how my mom was when hubs and I got engaged. I was 21-all she said was "well, you know how your father and I feel about that". It was almost 5 months before she showed any interest in planning-and then bitched because I went wedding dress shopping during that time and found my dress without her.

I'm quite glad we told my folks we've been trying (infertility treatments start next month!) because it's given them the time to get used to the idea.
19th-Jul-2012 01:03 am (UTC)
My parents had a horrendous reaction when we announced our pregnancy. It was a terrible experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'm really sorry that you have to go through it TWICE.

I would make it clear to them upfront that if they are not supportive, you will be certain that they won't need to see their new grandchild- ever.
19th-Jul-2012 02:57 am (UTC)
I don't believe they need the announcement, though. Considering how rude they come across in this post, I bet they'll mention something about your abdomen anyway. When that happens, you can fire back with whatever you feel is an appropriate response. I'm a big jerk, so I tend to respond with heavy sarcasm to my MIL. My parents were never-ever-ever supportive or excited about any one of their grandchildren (who they never see), and neither is my younger sister. I let them know via text message. My mother's response was "... don't you use birth control ever?" (she considers abortion as a routine birth control method, no matter how far along you are) and my sister was sarcastic: "Wow, you guys are amazing." Yaaaaay, family.
19th-Jul-2012 03:05 am (UTC)
I have no advice better than what has already been said, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are going through this again; I remember all the hard times your in-laws had put you through during your first pregnancy. You have my full support and best wishes. I'm looking forward to reading more about your pregnancy and the new baby. Good luck!
19th-Jul-2012 05:49 am (UTC)
You're not alone dear. My mother was horrible my first two pregnancies. The first one I could kind of understand because my husband and I were only dating, it was still a young relationship, and it wasn't planned.
One of her comments to me that time, by the way, was "you better not get married!!" which made me feel really good about announcing it when he proposed two months later.
(for the record I was 25, had my own apartment and a nice paying job, so it wasn't like the end of the world no matter how it turned out.)</p>

The second pregnancy though, we had been married two years, had a house, STILL both had decent paying jobs... And she still threw up her hands and cried "oh no!!" when I told her. I very drily responded "I think the proper response is supposed to be 'congratulations', Mom."

I'm hoping for a third now and even though she KNOWS that, I dread telling her.

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